How an employee feels about the person managing them makes a huge difference in their motivation. On the other side of the coin, how a boss or supervisor feels their team is clicking can totally change their stress level and performance. The saying, “people don’t leave their jobs, they leave their boss”, is grounded in reality and managers know this. So, if you are managing someone that doesn’t like you or your “style” of managing, should you just throw in the towel? No! If you are a person being managed by someone you don’t like, should you just hate life and let that blead into your work? No! In either situation, this is a real opportunity for you to grow. Learning how to adjust so that your life can be better, is obviously worth the energy. This doesn’t mean you have to like each other…it just means you have to learn how to build trust and respect.
Over my years of working with different teams, one area I’ve repeatedly dealt with is the personal relationship (or lack thereof) between manager and direct report. I’ve seen time and time again where both have the best of intentions and actually want the same thing. But, they just don’t like each other. I can honestly say that I’ve bridged that gap hundreds of times with just a few simple tweaks. I can also say that sometimes it doesn’t work out and they have had to part ways. Let me share with you what I’ve seen work and where I’ve seen huge pitfalls…
Communication Style
Communication style is something you hear people talk about like it’s an art form. And I guess to some extent that is true. However, like any art form, there are techniques that can be practiced to help improve. The good news is that when it comes to communication style, there’s tons of research to help guide an aspiring communication artist!
Here’s a list of different communication tools I’ve experienced (all have had value in my opinion):
I’ve personally experienced the power of and have spent more time researching the Meyers & Briggs Type Indicator or MBTI. This is my preferred tool to drive change on this topic, but it’s only as good as the time and energy put into it, or course.
Because of the complexity of this topic, I won’t even try to go in-depth on this tool in this article. However, I will tell you the highlights of what I’ve learned so that you can become more self-aware and with any luck, make some tweaks that give you new results!
MBTI by itself is really just a simple way of breaking down human communication patterns. By understanding how you make decisions, prefer to express yourself, use emotions in your decision making, and tend to interpret certain sets of information differently than others, you can dramatically impact many or all of your relationships. That’s of course, if you decide to make changes.
Here are the four letters that MBTI uses to breakdown human communication:
- I or E = Introvert or Extrovert
- N or S = Intuitive or Sensing
- T or F = Thinking or Feeling
- P or J = Perceiving or Judging
The easiest example here is the first letter in the MBTI (I for introvert or E for extrovert). My experience has been that, extroverts tend to talk more and listen less. The opposite being true for the introvert. What does that mean? Many times the introverts feel like their managers don’t listen and managers feel like introverts aren’t engaged.
Of course, when the roles are reversed, the introverted manager tends to not give enough feedback for the extroverted employee and the introverted manager feels powerless to explain how uncomfortable their constant talking makes them feel.
To make things even more complicated, all of these are on a scale too. Meaning, rarely is someone 100% I or 100% E. That means it’s not always easy to tell where you or someone else falls.
Again, I will repeat myself here and say that this is only one of the many different patterns that repeat themselves when it comes to communication styles.
Here are some questions to ask yourself:
- How do I prefer to communicate? With your mouth or in writing? (Introvert or Extrovert)
- Do I like to read between the lines of what someone says or take things literal? (Intuitive or Sensing)
- Do I tend to use logic to base decisions or do my and other’s emotions help guide me in this? (Thinking or Feeling)
- Do I like to make quick decisions (regardless of missing information) or would I prefer to marinate and gather all of the facts before proceeding? (Perceiving or Judging)
Keep in mind that when you or someone else is stressed out, oftentimes these traits tend to flip around. I’s become E’s and thinkers become feelers. So, when you see someone flip…ask yourself, “are they under a stress that I wasn’t aware of?”.
Let’s finish here by saying that all communication styles are equal. Meaning that it’s easy to say, well that person is just stupid or weird so I’m going to keep doing what I’m doing. That is the wrong answer!!! The best communicators have the ability to recognize when there is a difference and flex this muscle; and trust me this is a muscle! If you practice acknowledging these differences and attempt to make changes that help cover these differences, you will see benefits.
So, I’ve given you a taste on this topic…hopefully enough for you to make some minor adjustments. I will leave you with this quote:
When it comes to communication, the main thing to remember is that you need two ingredients…self awareness and the character to do something about it.
Glenn Hicks
Other Areas That Can Impact Employer / Employee Relationships
Work Ethic. This is an area that is often cited as a “deal breaker” from managers. It’s so easy to just throw your hands in the air and decide that this person isn’t worth saving. In reality, work ethic is more of an alignment issue. If you as a manager have a very strong work ethic (maybe even borderline work-acholic), it might be worth having a discussion to clear expectations and meet in the middle.
Position Fit. Let’s face it, if someone is in a job that doesn’t fit who they are, this really is a problem. A perfect example is someone that’s is really good at doing detailed work, but get’s promoted to managing a large group of people. This would require them to stay far above the details. This tends to fight against their nature. The best thing is to match the person’s strengths with the needs of the organization / position.
Future Opportunities. Does the person have a clear run-way to the future? Nowadays anyone can go on youtube and see what the lifestyles of the rich and famous looks like. You can’t hide from this! If you as a boss don’t see a clear path for the future or you have an employee that feels this way, take time to have that discussion. This doesn’t mean it needs to be an immediate or easy path. There just needs to be something.
Where there is no vision, the people will perish…
Proverbs 29:18
Coaching. All of these things will require time, effort, planning, and execution. One of the best ways of doing this (and investing in people) is by doing one-on-one coaching. This can be very difficult for both parties. However, if you spend time preparing for and following through using a regular coaching process, you will see change. This is a entirely separate topic that will go into in another post, but here’s a few tips I’ve learned on a good coaching process:
- Have a set cadence that both parties agree to (logistics)
- Make sure you give enough time to address both personal and professional (feeling and thinking)
- Write down actions that both can take (compromise)
- Make sure there are consequences when actions are not followed through on (accountability)
- Add elements of training and development to the conversation (investment)
- Listen more than you speak!
We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.
Epictetus (Greek Philosopher)
These are some of the best ways to build trust and respect, which should ultimately overcome most true personality conflicts. Simply practice, learn, adjust, and repeat for the best success!!
